Glass half-empty

So, I've been here 3 1/2 weeks, and I like the city, and I like my job (trials! so fascinating!). But today was one of those days when I've been thinking, Why did I think this was a good idea again? Oh, all the reasons for doing this clerkship still hold true. But it's been a depressing day.

Completely unexpectedly, it turns out I am two and three degrees of separation away from two of the Americans killed in Libya today (last night? the news broke this morning). I did not know any of them, am not even particularly close to the people who created the connections, and can't claim any grief. But there's something horrifying about having even this minimal link to people killed by violence half a world away. (Their deaths are, of course, just as horrifying without my teeny connection to them – but there's a difference when such events are personalized – even if there shouldn't be, there just is.) 

At the same time (and I know that in the grand scheme of the world, these things are completely different), one friend's kitty died in the last couple of days, and another friend posted they would have to say goodbye to their kitty whose kidneys are failing. As Middle Cat's kidneys are failing. (When we brought her in for her latest illness, they did an ultrasound for fear she had cancer – or I should say, more cancer. Turns out, she looks great – except for her kidneys, which look terrible. I mean, we knew her kidneys were failing, but it's still depressing.)

It's days like today that living on my own in a city far from my husband and cats just feels like a really dumb idea. 

5 thoughts on “Glass half-empty

  1. Mortality of loved ones? I know humans have this ingrained idea that some lives are worth more than others – worth more grief, more anger, more dignity. I just disagree. Death comes in all forms, and for me, the death of a beloved kitty/pup is devastating. Death close up shakes us.
    So be it. ((((((((hugs))))))))

  2. I’m with Belle. When pets are family, their deaths are just as shattering as human ones.
    Maybe more so, because people (usually) can understand what’s happening and make plans. Even when death is sudden and horrific, like those of Stevens and the others killed in Libya, it is sometimes possible to say, “Well, they knew the job was dangerous when they took it.” But the pets can’t make their own decisions about end-of-life; they just trust us (as most of us trust that when we go to work we won’t be murdered by some nut job), and so we have to deal not only with the facts of illness and death themselves but also with our own direct responsibility for treatment or euthanasia. It’s necessary. But horrifying.

  3. OneCat always sleeps on my lap while I read blogs, and he’s beginning to get irritated at the frequency with which I drip tears on him and squeeze him extra hard when I read about my friends’ kitty losses.

  4. if it’s at all helpful, what you are feeling seems eminently sensible to me. You are separated from the critters that give you comfort. Life has thrown some stuff at you that would make anybody want to seek comfort. Giving up that comfort, even temporarily, is not going to feel like a good idea in such situations, although on most days, it will only be a minor irritant. *hugs*

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